SEPT. 13, 2021

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control today said it had identified a dangerous new variant of coronavirus that attacks the neurological system and renders victims irrational and incapable of abstract thought. Researchers said the new strain, known as Pi, has been germinating in the Washington D.C. area for nearly a year, but is now spreading rapidly throughout the country.

“This variant has surprised all of us,” said the CDC. “It appears to directly target the thinking process without harming any physiological functions, leaving the victims appearing perfectly normal until they begin talking.”

The new variant joins a growing list of mutations of the original Covid-19 virus — Delta, Lambda and Mu. Researchers initially labeled the new variant Pi, the Greek letter for P, because it renders victims irrational and pi in mathematics represents an irrational number. But given the new variant’s prevalence in political circles, researchers casually began calling it “Publicae,” the Latin word for politics.

“The first recorded case of Pi in the U.S., we believe, was President Donald Trump, who was hospitalized in October of 2020 with what we thought was Covid-19,” said the CDC. “But given his subsequent behavior, we now believe he could have been Patient Zero for the Pi strain.”

Among Trump’s behavioral symptoms identified by the CDC were his public unmasking upon his return from Walter Reed Medial Center, his refusal to allow photographs of his vaccination and his public fantasies of beating up Joe Biden in a fight, including the statement that “Those legs (Biden’s) have gotten very thin. Not a lot of base. You wouldn’t have to close, you wouldn’t have to close the fist,” which he said at a Florida rally a month after his release from the hospital.

Citing the rapid spread of Pi recently, CDC researchers identified a sustained pattern of political behavior and statements that point to the virulence of the new strain, and its ability to eradicate “rational and abstract thought.”

—Sen. Joni Ernst, for instance, recently told news outlets that President Joe Biden’s plan to get more Americans vaccinated was an attempt to draw attention away from the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The Iowa Republican and combat veteran accused the Biden administration of  “leading by coercion” and questioned the motives of the plan. The CDC noted that 660,000 Americans have died from some form of Coronavirus.

—Mississippi Gov. Tate Reeves, a Republican, likened President Biden to a “tyrant” for his vaccination mandate for federal workers and businesses with more than 100 employees — despite the fact that Mississippi has a long history of vaccination mandates. “The fight against compulsory vaccination law is centuries old and the enduring success of Mississippi at repelling challenges to their vaccination requirements is a testament to the public health infrastructure and legal framework established in the state,” according to the National Library of Medicine.

—In South Carolina, Gov. Henry McMaster said “we will fight them to the gates of hell to protect the liberty and livelihood of every South Carolinian.” South Carolina mandates vaccines for school children to prevent measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough and other contagious diseases.

—J.D. Vance, a candidate for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Ohio, called for “civil disobedience” regarding the Biden plan. “If all of us ignore this garbage they won’t be able to enforce it,” Vance tweeted.

“Statements of the sort we recently heard from J.D. Vance are what concern us the most,” warned the CDC. “If the Pi variant continues to spread through the general population it could lead to a significant amount of social unrest, all of which is unnecessary.”

The CDC warned of troubling signs of increasing transmission of the Pi variant in the U.S. Capitol, where Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives are drawing up plans for new tax increases on programs that haven’t yet been identified. “This type of behavior is concerning because it shows a disconnect between abstract thought and behavior,” said the CDC.

The CDC also highlighted a recent episode of Sen. Charles Schumer dancing with talk show host Stephen Colbert as an example of Pi-induced behavior.

“The same rules of prevention against Covid-19 apply to Pi,” said the CDC. “Get the vaccine, but don’t stop masking or social distancing in close quarters. As we intensify our preventive efforts against Pi, we would add a fourth tactic, one that all of us learned in grade school — think first before you speak or act.”

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