“Offering free childcare and beer, Biden makes renewed push for July 4 vaccination goal” — Yahoo News, June 3
(JEP has come into possession of a confidential internal White House memo from VP Kamala Harris to President Biden regarding additional incentives for Americans to get the Covid vaccine.)
TO: President Joe Biden
FROM: Vice President Kamala Harris
DATE: June 3, 2021
I applaud your brilliant idea to provide free beer and child care as an incentive to get Americans IMMUNIZED against Covid. If you think about it, they go together pretty well — somebody can watch the kids while Americans pound back a few Buds. Great idea!
I have some time on my hands — that assignment to fix the border mess has gotten kind of bogged down — so I thought I’d spitball some ideas with you on additional incentives, so 100 PERCENT of Americans will get the Covid vaccine.
1. Free Uber rides, everywhere. I mean, if everybody’s going to be playing beer pong with free beer we don’t want them driving, right?
2. Free DoorDash deliveries. People get hungry when they drink a lot of beer, right? Believe me, I know.
3. Can we expand the circle of opportunity to include undocumented migrants? Don’t they deserve a cold one after swimming across the Rio Grande? Wait, I’ve got a great idea related to my border assignment, so work with me here for a minute. What if we give away free beer on the Mexican side of the border as an incentive NOT to cross into the U.S.? We can also move some of those big tents from our side of the border down to Mexico and provide free child care.
4. Speaking of broadening the circle, why limit the incentive to beer? I would include White Claw and tequila shots (“Get a shot, have a shot!”) to capture more Millennials, who are extremely health conscious.
5. Let’s build on that idea: free weed on the West Coast, plus NY and NJ? This might appeal to the Boomers as well as the Millennials. Might want to build in some Taco Bell giveaway with this idea.
6. Can we tie this in to our New Green Deal agenda? Free solar panels? Free Tesla giveaways?
7. Just a quick unrelated thought: we haven’t talked much F2F since the election, can Doug and I host you and Jill at the Observatory sometime next week?
8. Another quick thought: this border thing is bogging me down somewhat. What was my assignment again?
9. By the way, how are you feeling these days? Everything good health-wise? Just want to be prepared in the event of any sudden changes. You look pretty good, just checking. 😉
10. I know how busy you are (and how quickly you can get worn out!), so one last idea. How about free t-shirts with a pic of me getting the shot and the caption “If Kamala Kan, You Kan!” I could use a little higher profile these days. Has Jen Psaki mentioned me even once in her press briefings?
Again, just spitballing here Mr. President. Hope you’re doing well and look forward to getting together soon. Let me know about that dinner!
Satire at it’s best!